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polyhedral dice

So, according to this 100+ question test, if I were to suddenly find myself translated to some AD&D setting (Greyhawk, please!), I’d be a NG Elf Bard — and only 5th level?

In other words, I’d be positively annoying to my party. I can already hear the “no singing!” jokes straight out of Holy Grail.

And I was so hoping for a powerful Chaotic Evil wizard. They have the best costumes. The. Best.

(Hmmm…. Worrying about fashion. Maybe I am meant to play an Elf… :/  )

Anyway, Here are the results:

I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Bard (5th Level)

Ability Scores:

Strength-11

Dexterity-11

Constitution-12

Intelligence-16

Wisdom-13

Charisma-13

Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment when it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.

Race:
Elves are known for their poetry, song, and magical arts, but when danger threatens they show great skill with weapons and strategy. Elves can live to be over 700 years old and, by human standards, are slow to make friends and enemies, and even slower to forget them. Elves are slim and stand 4.5 to 5.5 feet tall. They have no facial or body hair, prefer comfortable clothes, and possess unearthly grace. Many others races find them hauntingly beautiful.

Class:
Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

On the other hand giving him the personality of a singer at a 3rd-rate resort lounge might be kind of fun…

bruce-lee-game-of-death-280x280

Just watch. This kid has *all* the moves:

I wouldn’t be surprised if some Hong Kong studio signed him to a long-term contract.

I know he could kick my butt.

stripper

Also does weddings and bar-mitzvahs

 

Look, everyone is sad at a funeral, okay? So why not cheer everyone up with strippers and a live sex show?

Chinese officials are launching a campaign to crack down on stripteases and other lewd shows that have become popular at funerals in some rural areas, the Ministry of Culture said Thursday.

The ministry said in a statement that it will tighten control over rural culture, where vulgar performances have been thriving because of a general lack of cultural events.

Such erotic performances at funerals are a relatively new phenomenon. Many rural people believe that a large attendance at funerals is a sign of honor for the deceased, and the shows are used to attract more people and display the family’s prosperity.

The funerals also are a rare occasion for crowds to gather as villagers working as migrant workers in industrial centers return home to bury the deceased.

(…)

In the last several months, people who have returned to their rural homes for funerals have complained on social media about lewd shows, remarking that troupes hired to play dirges suddenly changed their tune and began to peel off their clothes.

There are kill-joys in every crowd, y’know? I’m sure the stripteases and sex acts were performed will all the dignity the occasion merited.

Ahem.

"You want me to wear what?"

“You want me to wear what?”

Although a straw doll is not quite the way I would find to deal with the loneliness….

A kinky Argentinian man croaked while having sex with a scarecrow that he dressed in lipstick and a wig — and strapped a sex toy on, according to reports.

Jose Alberto, 58, was found dead in his San Jose de Balcare home, lying next to the straw doll, the Irish Mirror reported.

“There were no signs of violence, and we are working on the assumption that the man died during sex with the scarecrow,” police spokesman Rodolfo Moure told the publication.

The deprived sex fiend, who tended to sheep, had puffed up the scarecrow with clothes and tied a 6-inch strap-on penis to it, reports said.

They found him after things got a bit… “stinky.”

What a way to go.

Remember, they're paying for this.

Remember, they’re paying for this.

(Photo credit: ABC/Barcroft Media/Landov)

First it was cuddle prostitution therapy, now it’s a place where adults can go to pretend they’re in nursery school again — and pay for the privilege of acting like toddlers:

The Brooklyn-based Preschool Mastermind, as it’s called, is a preschool-type experience for adults. No, really. And according to its founder, there’s show-and-tell, arts-and-crafts such as finger paint, games (think musical chairs) and even naps.

“I realized all the implications of what we learn in preschool,” said founder Michelle Joni, who said she went to school for childhood education and always wanted to be a preschool teacher. “People come here and get in touch with their inner child. It’s magical.”

(…)

Adult preschool — not unlike New York City’s preschool’s for children, doesn’t come cheap. Payment for the class is on a sliding scale ranging from $333 to $999. Joni said that “preschool is all about choice. I want them [the students] to feel good about the choice they’re making.”

I’m not so sure how good I’d feel about myself for paying almost a thousand dollars to finger-paint and take naps. I can do that at home for free.

Oh and, yes, there are “Parent-Teacher” meetings.

Next week there’s a field trip. Then the last week of class is “parent day” when the students bring two adults of their choice to class. One woman is actually bringing her parents.

Some people’s daughters grow up to raise a family and have a career. Maybe a doctor, a small business owner, a senator. Others hit their twenties and decide they miss preschool. I bet her parents are just thrilled.

What am I saying? This is New York City, where diaper-less babies are a thing. Of course they’re happy! At least the adult preschoolers are (we hope) potty trained.

We’re doomed.

When his children can leap out of the water, hunt you down, and drag you away…

From the article:

This here video of an octopus exploding out of the shallows, moonwalking on land, grabbing a crab, and pulling it back underwater was shot in Australia just days ago, which means that there’s a good chance this very octopus and others like it are still alive, which means that you and I and all of our loved ones are in danger.

I am never going near the surf again…

If you’re like me, the annual sight of blissfully happy couples on Valentine’s Day makes you ill. Not because of their cloying sweetness and dopey “eyes only for you” looks (though that’s part of it), but because you never get to join in. If your romantic life has stunk as badly as mine, you’ve often felt like that little kid looking in from outside the fence and wishing he could play, too, but never gets the chance.

Admit it: you’re lonely and resentful, and every Valentine’s Day is an annoying reminder of that. Don’t deny it, revel in it — wallow in the mire you yourself have created! Give in to the dark side…

And, while you’re at it, enjoy this Valentine’s Day report from The Onion.

You’re welcome.

(Reposted from last year.)

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