The Zombie Apocalypse has reached California

California, here we come!

That’s it. I’m doomed. Time to retreat to the bunker in the high Sierras:

Another day, another unexplained brutal murder by a naked man strung out on drugs. This time the victim was a 62-year-old female motel cleaning woman, who was herself half-naked and covered with blood when Jermaine Haynes, the man who found here, came upon the grisly scene.

Haynes, a resident at the Hacienda Inn, in Sacramento, told reporters with CBS Sacramento (video here) that the suspect, 25-year-old Andrew Carreiro, knocked on his door the evening of July 7, saying he was selling candy. “He was on like cloud 20,” Haynes recalls. “I don’t know what he was on, but he was on something, though.”

(…)

Carreiro, who reportedly kept mumbling, “I didn’t do nothing. I didn’t do nothing,” was taken to San Joaquin County jail. He faces a number of charges including murder.

Of course he “didn’t do nothing.” The out of control chemical nanobots created in the secret labs of the evil pharmaceutical company took control, turned him into a zombie, and did it for him. He tried to explain, but…. Who would believe it?

We know the sanity-blasting truth, though.

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Who needs pork belly, when you have human belly?

Okay, what is in the water in Florida? First, they start the zombie apocalypse with a little face-chewing, and now they have naked men invading homes, whizzing on the floor, and taking a bite out of people’s stomachs:

A naked man allegedly flew into a violent rampage, biting a chunk out of another man’s stomach after leaping from his roof onto a truck and urinating inside his home.

Officers responding to the scene needed backup to restrain Jeremiah Aaron Haughee with leg shackles, a spit hood and handcuffs after he continued fighting despite being Tasered five times.

Authorities did not carry out tests on Haughee to see if he was under the influence of any drugs.

Police first arrived at the home in Flagler Beach, Florida at 4.30 a.m. to find two men restraining the naked 22-year-old in a puddle of urine and glass.

Flagler Beach police didn’t test Haughee for drugs because state law doesn’t provide for that, but it wouldn’t have done any good; the kind of weird alien drug that somehow escaped from that mega-pharmaceutical laboratory (Come on, you just know it has to be!) that’s causing this won’t show up in any standard tests. This calls for SCIENCE!!!

Cue weird 50s sci-fi music.

On the other hand, does this look like a crazed stomach-chomping maniac to you:

Er… Well… Right. Never mind.

PS: The wounded man? Probably permanently disfigured. And what makes this even scarier? Haughee’s been released on bail.

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Not even dogs are safe from the Zombie Apocalypse

“Don’t eat me , bro!”

Well…. There were no human brains available, so what’s a mutant cannibal zombie to do?

 A man who was high on synthetic marijuana reportedly ate his family dog alive. Just as the “zombie apocalypse” hysteria began to subside, another man in a psychotic meltdown makes national news. Michael Daniel, a Texas man from Waco, was arrested for eating his family’s nearly 40-pound pooch, on Monday. He faces felony animal cruelty charges, according to police.

Daniel allegedly was “on his hands and knees and chased a neighbor while barking and growling like a dog,” according to KWTZ.

After his deranged behavior frightened his neighbors, he turned to his black dog that was sitting on the porch and beat and strangled the dog. When he had sufficiently injured the pup, Daniel began to eat him.

Sure it was “synthetic marijuana.” Sure. Just like in all the other cases…

What’s next? Zombie brain-eating gerbils?

Wait! The president has eaten dog, too! That means…

The horror!

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How do you say “cannibal zombie plague” in Swedish?

Forget George Romero. This is going full-blown Cthulhu:

Swedish professor ‘cuts off wife’s lips and eats them’

A Swedish professor cut off his much younger wife’s lips with a knife and ate them because he believed she was having an affair, according to a report.

Swedish daily Aftonbladet said the unidentified man, an associate professor at Sweden’s prestigious Karolinska Institute, is behind held in police custody on suspicion of attempted murder.

“He cut off her lips and ate them,” a source close to the case told the Swedish newspaper, according to Agence France-Presse. “He doesn’t seem to regret anything. He thinks she is the one who has offended him.”

I’ve heard of Swedish Fish, but “Swedish lips?”

Sadly, his bride may not recover from the damage. Can you imagine the reconstructive surgery needed? At least he didn’t eat her face.

And you’ll no doubt be surprised to learn the professor was ordered into a psychiatric evaluation. The fools. Lovecraftian ghouls aren’t bound by our feeble notions of sanity.

Or maybe it’s the tcho-tcho people, instead…

h/t to Political Math

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Zombie Plague: is it too late to draw a defense line at the Mississippi?

Red beans, rice, and braiiinnnssss!

Great, now they’re chewing face in Louisiana:

A 43-year-old Louisiana man was arrested after biting off part of his neighbor’s face over the weekend, and critics fear that the incident could be among the growing list of recent cannibal attacks potentially linked to “bath salt” drugs.

Carl Jacquneaux, who police say was “under the influence of some kind of drug,” arrived at Todd Credeur’s home where he violently assaulted him “over a domestic issue,” according to Gawker.com.

Credeur, who was left with a chunk of flesh torn from below his left eye, was able to escape from further injury after spraying his attacker’s face with Wasp spray.

“During the attack, the suspect bit a chunk of the victim’s face off,” said Scott Assistant Police Chief, Kert Thomas, adding that the gruesome attack is “very unusual” and “not something we see [every day].”

Sure, uh-huh. It’s “just a drug case.” Drugs that make people eat face! (And maybe carve themselves up for use as weapons?) No need to worry, everything’s under control…

Somewhere in a secret mega-PharmCorp lab, probably near Miami, a hysterical assistant is confronting his profits-at-all-cost boss:

“It was experimental! It was supposed to be under tight security! We weren’t ready for human trials… WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?!” 

Happens every time.

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The Zombie Plague is spreading

It spreads…

Now it’s in New Jersey:

New Jersey man stabbed himself, threw skin and intestines at cops: authorities

Officers encountered 43-year-old Wayne Carter on Sunday morning when they responded to reports of a man barricaded in a room in Hackensack and threatening to harm himself, police Lt. John Heinemann said.

Two officers kicked in the door and saw Carter in a corner, holding a knife in his hand, police said. Carter, ignoring the officers’ orders to drop the knife, stood up and stabbed himself in the abdomen, legs and neck, they said.

Carter yelled at the officers and took an aggressive stance, and the officers used pepper spray in a bid to subdue him, but it had no effect, Heinemann said.

Police said Carter then cut off pieces of his skin and intestines and threw them at the officers.

Okay… first it’s a naked guy eating face who needs several bullets to drop, then someone who cuts off pieces of himself to use as weapons…

Yep. This is how it always starts.

But, from Florida to Jersey? Methinks there’s a Patient Zero out there.

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Isn’t this how zombie plagues start?

It begins…

Come on: naked guy eating another guy’s face off, refuses police orders to stop, takes several shots to put down?

Time to start buying shotguns and chainsaws?

It was a scene as creepy as a Hannibal Lecter movie.

One man was shot to death by Miami police, and another man is fighting for his life after he was attacked, and his face allegedly half eaten, by a naked man on the MacArthur Causeway off ramp Saturday, police said.

The horror began about 2 p.m. when a series of gunshots were heard on the ramp, which is along NE 13th Street, just south of The Miami Herald building.

According to police sources, a road ranger saw a naked man chewing on another man’s face and shouted on his loud speaker for him to back away.Meanwhile, a woman also saw the incident and flagged down a police officer who was in the area.

The officer, who has not been identified, approached and, seeing what was happening, also ordered the naked man to back away. When he continued the assault, the officer shot him, police sources said. The attacker failed to stop after being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing. Witnesses said they heard at least a half dozen shots.

Maybe it’s time to seal off Florida. Just in case. New Yorkers can retire elsewhere.

More: The NY Daily News has (non-gruesome) photos. Quote: “the guy just stood… with pieces of flesh in his mouth and he growled,…”

Dude.

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Scientists find key to creating zombies?

This is how it starts in cheesy horror movies: some scientist goes where he shouldn’t and, next thing you know, we have a zombie apocalypse on our hands:

Today a group of medical researchers reported the discovery of something very intriguing in a type of pancreatic cancer called PanNET. Turns out PanNET is associated with mutations in two genes that help control a part of your DNA that determines whether you die.

Specifically, these genes can artificially lengthen the telomeres, caps on the ends of chromosomes that gradually erode as you grow older. Above, you can see PanNET cells – the glowing pink bits are the areas where the cancer is causing telomere extension. Usually, short telomeres are associated with disease and death. As a result, some scientists believe that keeping telomeres long could be one way to lengthen life (a few tests in mice seem to back this up). PanNET may have just given us two genetic tools to prolong life. The question is, what would a cancer-extended life be like?

This can only end in tears. And brains eaten, but tears, too.

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Seven reasons the Zombie Apocalypse won’t work

Awww… nuts! You mean I bought an auto-shotgun, chainsaw, and flamethrower for nothing? Dude!

Here’s one reason:

#6: They Can’t Take the Heat

It’s generally accepted by zombie experts that they’re going to continue to rot, even as they shamble around the streets. What the movies fail to convey, however, is the gruesome yet strangely hilarious effect the hot sun has on a rotting corpse.

The first concern is putrefaction. Thanks to the plethora of bacteria we use in our colon for digesting plant matter, called gut flora, our bodies are ripe for decay the second our heart stops. Since heat speeds the growth of bacteria (which are plenty happy to start feasting on you once your immune system is no longer a concern) the zombie’s got a looming expiration date the very second it turns.

Dead bodies bloat because of the gases created by the bacteria, meaning that in warmer areas even Abercrombie Zombies are going to start getting fat in the first few days. After a few weeks of this, the nasty, bloated zombie army is going to start doing something that is simultaneously the most awesome and disturbing thing a zombie can do: they will start exploding (CAUTION! Pictures!). The warm, moist conditions in the tropical and subtropical parts of the world (or even just summer in the temperate parts) speeds this condition, meaning a July zombie outbreak pretty much anywhere would be over in a few weeks just by virtue of the rampaging monsters bursting like rancid meat balloons.

Ew!!

Of course, in a world in which the dead rise and act  like Democrats, who says they have to obey the laws of physics and biology?

Better hang on to at least the shotgun…

h/t The Jawa Report

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